Kikuyus in Heaven! Very very Funny!

Am a Kikuyu and I stole this note! Read on…

Where Kikuyus are…… there must be a problem….. and a solution in the making…….. Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said ‘I have to talk to you.
We have some Kikuyus up here and are causing problems. They’re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Savco jeans instead of their white robes, they’re riding pick up trucks instead of the chariots, and they’re selling their halos to people for discount prices. Furthermore, they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway hawking their wings!

They have sub-let their mansions and are now living in the SQs. They are even attempting “atiriri” talk over here! I found some attempting to fit a carrier on the chariot for carrying “thaara wa n’gombe “(Napier grass for their cows) on their way from visits! They are even using mpesa to send money to andu aitu (our relatives) in hell.

The Lord said, ‘Kikuyus are Kikuyus. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil.’ The Devil answered the phone, ‘Hello? Hold on a minute.’ The Devil returned to the phone, ‘OK I’m back. What can I do for you?’ Gabriel replied, ‘I just wanted to know what kind of problems you’re having down there.’ The Devil said, ‘Hold on again. I need to check on something.’ After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, Im back.. Now what was the question?’ Gabriel said, ‘What kind of problems are you having down there?’ The Devil said, ‘Man I don’t believe this…….Hold on.’ in the background you can hear “ngai!!!” This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.. The Devil returned and said, ‘I’m sorry Gabriel, I can’t talk right now. Those Kikuyus have put out the fire and are selling me a match box if I want to light the fire again!

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123 Responses to Kikuyus in Heaven! Very very Funny!

  1. Ngigi says:

    Lol…funny one here. Even devel ameshindwa kukaa na wao. Mugikuyu ni mugikuyu.
    Love it anyway

  2. jeremy kings says:

    hii ni kutuonea.you are seeing for us

  3. evans says:

    haiyaaaaeee!!!!!!ghai fafa……watapoteza key ya heavens gate na watake wauzie sinners huko hell pia

  4. Muriku says:

    Kali sana hio bwana!

  5. Sam'el Nyoike says:

    Soon they will rob sadaka at synagog, na wavune matunda yote ya Aden

  6. jill says:

    woiyeeeeeee kwea kwea mnamuonea sana

  7. simon maina kariuki says:

    Crazy hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa down i fall.

  8. alice njenga says:

    andu a gikuyu na mumbı tumenagwo tuhu nı kıyo gıtı.

  9. Magdalyn says:

    On no My ribs, Ha ha ha ha hiyo noma

  10. penie kagima says:

    lol…typical kikuyu hata atajiuza

  11. Eli mkumbu says:

    Ni jasho yetu manze

  12. Qhagiya says:

    hahahaha………. think they will also parts of chariots n uproot the gates wauze as scrap.

  13. HEHEHEHE dont hate us, we like to run tingz..lolest

  14. ahahahahahaha..aki mnatuonea..hata devo anauziwa nare na kikuyus?…lol

  15. melvin pusi says:

    my ribs are aching,someone should read this to the guy in state house coz am sure this will make him laugh even tho he doesnt do it often

  16. kuria says:

    Mata kiendetie gold na gukomborithia nyumba ciao

  17. Sixtysix says:

    kwani?…..people don’t realise that this tribe is tribeless,timeless and all!!….

  18. james says:

    They should be hired to put off the fire in hell. Really funny.

  19. Tom says:

    Hehehe…..crazy tribe there

  20. Steve nadia says:

    Hahahaha……………………. this has made my ribs ache. Kali Sana.

  21. Stellah Kiptum - Kasyoki says:

    hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!Those Kikuyus have put out the fire and are selling me a match box if I want to light the fire again! oh my God, wacha tu

  22. mbugua moses (@kenyaman) says:

    its just that they are so business minded and they work so hard to realise their dreams before you used to sa PESA NI YA MUHINDI when the indians worked as hard which they still do.

  23. Shanice says:

    Proud to be one!

  24. fhoreal says:

    Loolest….. kari xana..!!?

  25. zippie says:

    Kikuyus the only tribe that knows how to make money regardless of the situation noma sana.

  26. Irene Wanjiku says:

    This means Mkikuyu ajielewa. He thinks widely! Am proud to be akikuyu

  27. Regina ikahu says:

    Hyi me n kikuyus wao.we r great pround 2 be one.

  28. Jeniffer sadera kiki says:

    Hahaahahaaha!!

  29. miryam wangui says:

    kiuks wana cause fracas hadi hell! so hata devil anawaogopa!… sina mbavu jamani….he heeee!!

  30. lu yun cho says:

    kikuyus have made it to heaven andis like they have taken control of every available opportunity of making ……

  31. Haron mbaya says:

    Ebu compare the way they develop with the way u develop,wako mbele xana

  32. kakishuta kanahara says:

    musuri sana. Ubroka na uhawker..

  33. We must be the chosen few..if th devil is getn tempted by us..no agony,the fire is off!

  34. GILBERT MWANGI says:

    Proud to be from the House of Mumbi!

  35. gazla wesh says:

    wazi.ní bécà twédété.haha

  36. mkikuyu hawker says:

    safi safi.cia matuina(keys to heaven) safi ngori kwena cia ikumi cia VIP That would be the slogan

  37. lenny says:

    morio ni morio!!!

  38. mk says:

    And the matchbox is less some matchsticks! nice one

  39. wanjiku says:

    awesome, as u can c we dont belive in wasting opportunities even though we cant speak ingrish propary

  40. rachel says:

    i’m not a Kikuyu but this made me laugh…. hahaha…😀

  41. Freddie Kamakei says:

    I want to marry one kiuk bt not a nyerilet. Seems wako too ambitious!

  42. john says:

    not so funny , who doesnt behave the same ?. lol.

  43. maina says:

    funniest…..lol!

  44. kiiru says:

    baya sana

  45. Karimi mithamo says:

    This is real cool. It’s worth the late night!

  46. am proud to b one.we blieve in seizing opportunity n utilizing it to the maximum.

  47. diaz says:

    HI! Am a kyuk but this is classic, lmao. Mind you we’re and always will be da besht no matter what!!!!!!

  48. kim says:

    our biggest handicap and downfall “ni uiru amongst each other” cut that out tuko capable! na turi ohau nu supplier wa ngu na makara kwa ngoma ? I will beat any legitimate offers,
    Guaranteed next day delivery.

  49. KAGIRI says:

    Wee, they did not spare fruit in the garden of Eden,including the forbidden one.NI NDAMAKA

  50. Os says:

    Crazy Kyuks, they do business even in hell..

  51. Kevin Eredi says:

    Hata heaven na hell? Hehehe hiyo noma kweli

  52. Okorieh says:

    I luv da sprt ov da kiuks,srvivl 4 da fitest.Ready 2 hsl evrwhere

  53. wakonyo says:

    wakonyo
    Tiganai na mugikuyu nakio giake……..ecaragiria kinya ekwa
    ngoma….. ona akuite guthia shillingi wone agiukira!! It is not our
    fault we are born very hard working people. TIGAI GISHABIO KIU MWIIGIRIRIE. RUTAI WIRA NAKIO MWONE MASHIARO TA MA MUGIKUYU.

  54. Annita says:

    Tell us the behaviours of the nyeri kikuyu women both in hell and heaven uh

  55. Geosteve Qabiruography says:

    hau niho turi kikuyu ni lugha ya taifa ya mbinguni

  56. Nimoh says:

    Kari what!!!!…..am sooooo proud to be a real kiuk…na ndi memba!!!!

  57. Proud to be a kiuk forever and ever. AMEN.

  58. moses says:

    Im proud of my heritage.I cant change it given the chance

  59. John says:

    Da funniest tales of lyf

  60. joe says:

    you just killed…

  61. Maina Kariuki says:

    its the policy anyway, kuoya kuoya mikari.

  62. waruguru ngatia says:

    wakikuyu joh ni noma!

  63. Ben 10 says:

    hilarious…kikuyus are real enterpreneurs,i respect all kiuks!

  64. mr. bomb says:

    there is no right or wrong only what is and what is not…

  65. Githaiga says:

    Bidii yetu. Thats what makes them Hate us.

  66. Rachael wanjiku says:

    Infact u shld thnk dem coz there wnt b fire in hel,n no gold,scrap metals n fruits in heaven al wil b sold, its marketn strategy,devil n God wameshangaa pia

  67. njaraz says:

    ata next time watapima key za gate ya heaven kwa scrap..tukose kuingia uko…hehehehe no nde mugikuyu karing`a .

  68. Tabs says:

    mathagu mana ikumi ikumi!! ooohhh! tunaonewa twakua ki?

  69. Kihura. says:

    Sky is not the limit for a kikuyu, it must be beyond the sky. I bet they have started building extensions in heaven. what a human being to recon with.

  70. caroline njoki. says:

    spirit ya wakikuyu seizing every opputunity tat comes along..

  71. Anne says:

    Lol……..rotfl

  72. Mathew mutua says:

    Hata lighter wameficha.jesu

  73. Anjil Shivayilu says:

    That was very hillarious.

  74. kiiru nyeri says:

    maundu ni matatu muoyo , mwaki kana mbecaa

  75. Grace says:

    Laugh mpaka u cry

  76. Shiro says:

    I love to work and am proud to be a kiuk. Kutafuta pesa ni muhimu

  77. jymo says:

    wakikuyu si wata iba ile kalamu ya mungu ya kuandika watu wa kitabu cha uhai kisha waanze kumuuzia?

  78. Dan Komoh says:

    bwahahahaha.very very funny indeed

  79. Dan Komoh says:

    bwahahahaha.very very funny indeed..eeh kweli

  80. Dau says:

    No problem, ths is a typical picture of a heaven wth places like Kiambu n Murang’a, they evn name heaven streets after their ancestors

  81. Eh , the Kikuyu are kind of like the Baganda we have here in Uganda , they can make business anywhere and sell anything.

  82. Ann says:

    Bravo!kiuks dnk widely en stragle mch.am proud 2 b a kikuyu en dnt regret it.

  83. PATO says:

    si kuwaonea but this guys ar the funiest….i once tried one of my very good friends to buy me samthing from campo yao at staff price…maaaan he still tried to undercut me..lol. and it was for consumption not resale

  84. Njuguna wa wambui says:

    Hehehe!! thina witu no kio I proud to be a kikuyu.

  85. Njuguna wa wambui says:

    Hau niho turi na tutiraguagua

  86. Regina says:

    Haha…kiuks r kiuks.

  87. Os says:

    Wow! thats a nyce one!

  88. Edumort says:

    Kali kweli kweli

  89. Iawm says:

    Ngai fafa! A kikuyu laments in hell corridors holdin a ticket book . Buy tickets straight 2 my Ngai fafa at a discounted rate. Hurry my brother few ticketz remainin.

  90. Iawm says:

    Ngai fafa!

  91. frenzy says:

    abomination. but kaarreeeeeeeeee!!!!!! tuko juu.

  92. tht a nice one...lol says:

    Lol…

  93. Samson kush says:

    Haki kikuyuism is an entreprenuerial lifestyl. No wonder we are rich.

  94. nancy says:

    haaaa haa! i hear they might sublet heaven, and then go hell and try to make the place suitable.

  95. Phillis says:

    And i guess, you being an undiluted kiuk you were obviously on first corridor lining your kadhalika’s for the very first customer to spot them.

    Well, am a Kiuk and am proud of…”mbeca citikuraga miti-ini, nonginya ciethwe”. Kariki!!!

    Cheers to all Kiuks.

  96. mainastep says:

    No money no living then if you plan to add extra coin you resembles the humble man who was given 2 coins n he didn’t bury them in the sand but he went and made profit with.This is how wakyuks do…………n the rest of the people bury their coins……..

  97. Nickson Onyango says:

    hahaaaa

  98. Nickson Onyango says:

    So funny

  99. fred says:

    I dont find anything amusing. This nonsense that Kikuyus are money perverts is very annoying. We are all beautifully and wonderfully made. Let this perception stop. A kikuyu is like any other person. Be fair

  100. Willie says:

    Hahahahaha thats pretty much hilarious LOL🙂

  101. caleb onsomu says:

    iko juu tu xana.hahahahaha..

  102. baragu says:

    I am a proud Kyuk dude

  103. paul n says:

    i agree with fred. the joke is really funny, but everyboby must know of ethnocenticism, that is, every tribe, every homogeneous group of people always think that they are better than others, their ways and culture are superior than others. i have seen debilitating and widespread poverty among the kikuyus. it matters how someone makes his, her money. pride for being a kikuyu is okay, but lets be sure it is not misplaced pride – feeling superior than others. sometimes that is why other tribes hate the kikuyus, not necessary because they are hardworking, but their failure to recognise ethnocentism. the maasai are as proud, the luos are proud, the samburus, the kalenjin and many others are as proud. sometimes you cannot be sure whether the feeling of pride for being a kikuyu is not communicated to other people as arrogance and misplaced pride. the somalis have travelled all over the world doing business, are hardworking and have far superior international networks than many tribes. the dynamics of time are actually not very favourable to the kikuyus. the 1900s, 1950s 1960s and 1970s were favourable for the kikuyus, but read the signs of the time. today more than half of the kikuyus are very poor, i have seen villages devastated by jiggers, education, as important as it is today,the kikuyus are behind. having penny businesses, hawking sweets, mass unemployment, being hustlers – please let us be carefull, think global and act local like Wangari Mathai

  104. Rozie Travis says:

    SO BORING

  105. Punda says:

    Kenyatta spoiled the Agi-kuyu in that he said…and I quote. “I have held the horns of the cow. Yours is to milk it dry!”. So they became money oriented and I like that coz this is a capitalist system and the hard working ones (whether thieves or not) deserve the best! However now that we no longer need a Kikuyu leader in Kenya, the odds might just change. “True story!”

  106. ka wambui says:

    though that part is fun and entertaining i find it attacking the reputation that most the kikuyus enjoy in the socety. they percieved as thieves while i guess nobody hates many even youi suppose. stop pointing at kikuyus for the wrong reasons

  107. Ngari arap chui says:

    Simply no comments but I think wr are blessed.you stole this note?Funny thief.like it anyway.

  108. Yona says:

    Pride comes before a mighty fall.

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